Do you think Ebay has an instruction manual for kids?

Sometimes I really wish it existed. "Here comes the head, just one more push and...congratulations! It's a girl. She's a biggie! Now push again, here it comes...Ahh. The instruction manual. Whoa. She's going to be a challenge. Her book is huge!!!"

A personalized instruction manual. "Courtney for Dummies" or "The Idiot's Guide to Benjamin" or even, for those rough days, "Chicken Soup for Jonathan's Mother's Soul." Now that's what I'm talking about. Tips on how to potty train him? Page 124. How to connive her into obeying? Chapters 4-7. Frustrated with his health problems? Pages 57-64.

So what I really need to know today is: what is making all of my children throw up? Five times in the last 1 1/2 weeks I have cleaned it up. All three of them have taken a turn, or two. Two of them smelled exactly the same: so raunchy that Kyle even put on his gas mask and it still wasn't enough. He used to be the throw up cleaner, but it has gotten too much for him this week.

(Hopefully there is also a section on what to do when you overload the washer with the stinky sheets and then flood the garage...)

One more question. Anyone have the page to "How to know when to keep your child home from school or church." My mom never had to deliberate. I always seem to get it wrong. He is fine on the days I keep him home. And comes home sicker than a dog when I send him to school. I can't win!

I know that I can go to the scriptures for parenting advice. I am grateful for this. But I need some concrete advice on things like getting stains out of my baby's clothes and what to do when my baby isn't gaining weight. Let me know if you find the instruction manual on Ebay. I'll put in a bid.